I wrote this out on my other blog but it has been over two years now since we left this church. Recently, I had to make the hard to decision to take a break from the current church that we were going to. I just can’t do it anymore, at least for a while. The people are not as damaging as the other church but I am in such a different place and add to it autism and sensory issues. It is just not a safe place for any of us right now. I have been thinking about church a lot lately and I was reminded of this post.
Funny I wrote this on May 21st, 2009, maybe there is something about May.
The Great Escape
I wanted so much to get back into ministry and “do the work of the Lord”. (OK) So I jumped right in. I began to serve in many different areas. I got overwhelmed. The church was completely unorganized and would do things on a whim. Not good for an Aspie. I would come in and expect one thing and it would change or the even more confusing thing was “We were never going to do that”. WHAT? I have a very good memory so when things like that happened it really messed me up. Not to mention this group of people hugged and touched all the time. No, no, no! If you didn’t look them in the eye they thought you were hiding something from them.
It makes me very uncomfortable to look people in the eyes.
I was trying to escape what was going on at home. Yes, I wanted to serve and that was my heart. However, I see now that I had other motives as well. I hadn’t realized yet how it was so much more important to serve at home fulltime and not stretch myself thin trying to focus all my energy at home and church. I tried to explain to people what it was like with Daniel and they just didn’t get it. The attitude felt as though serving in church is more important than anything and if you can’t do both than you are not spiritually mature. I am still working through a lot of stuff dealing with the people at this church. There were a lot of unspoken rules and social dynamics that I just didn’t get. I won’t get because of my AS.
They seemed to be ok with people lying, gossiping, slandering, and they even rewarded those people with positions or special tasks. Implying that it is the love of Jesus to let people talk about others and misuse your words. It is just baffling to me. In my opinion it is not very loving to allow the ones being hurt to be victimized and belittled. Forcing those who do not operate in these things to feel like they are not sacrificing enough or worse yet they are the ones who are not loving. The words were never spoken but you were always being compared and threatened. If you didn’t conform to the group then you were in trouble. If you questioned anything the pastors said or did you were in rebellion or had a demon. Well not everyone thought you had a demon only the ones who were gossiping.
Got fed up!
After a year and half of complete confusion, questioning, exhaustion, and desperation I said wait a minute. I am not wrong here. So I looked at my family and I looked at me. We were all wore out, tired, angry, and Daniel’s progress was very slow. We prayed and we felt like the Lord gave us the answer to leave. It took several months, I gradually backed out of the areas I was serving. And we slipped away as quietly as we came. But I left with a lot of scars. I was still hurt, confused, and angry. So I went off on God a bit. You can read it in My Rant to God.
That was the end of the post but I wrote this poem as a reflection of what I felt about The Great Escape.
I am not limited in my questions when it comes to the things of God. I am only now feeling safe enough to share them. I do not feel that my other blog is the place for any of my spiritual working through stages. I am glad I started this blog so I have a safe place for my poetry and other thoughts. I am coming to a realization that this journey has truly been a loss of faith in people more so than God.
I trust God’s character.
I have resolved my issues and questions with the Bible through various sources. I am satisfied with not being able to get all of the answers, even though I do not like it. But I am not at peace with the people who have formed wrong ideas and opinions in my mind claiming them to be the very words of God.
It is my next stage of transition I suppose.
I am getting to the point where I do not feel like I have done something wrong or will be punished for these thoughts. I am also realizing that in order for me to understand myself better I am going to have to write about my journey to find healing.
I thought I was resolved because I was no longer angry at God.
However, I am seeing that I still have unresolved issues with people. Who knows where these writings will take me. I am not sure I will publish them, maybe I will but I needed to at least get this one out and published to help me get over fear of expressing my emotions.