I Am The Hidden

I Am The Hidden 

not enough for this one, you see;
too much for that one,
can’t pass normalcy

but ah, I did learn my crumbled path,
hid behind your broken mask –
cannot speak,
I fear attack!

from my own peers and their looking glass;
then, parents, celebrities, medical broods
(come this way and that,
wasn’t my childhood brutality,
gratification; for your idle chitchat?)
must the bullying continue to brew,
I fit nowhere within your groups!

[I am not alone.]

you say to teach us how to play, 
learn your rules,
your myths
your ways
conform my son/daughter for the “right” praise –
just be like you and yours
you say

I did!
I did all that you say,
for me,
a child –
worked into decay
all my odd and feral ways,
I died, I DIed, I DIED that day!

I slip away without a voice,
I cry in silence;
it’s been my choice,
I reach out; to be bit with words,
confused and torn,
social vestibules

I’ve faked my way through your halls,
only to collapse in my solace;
I quietly roam –
I tried to be your normalcy,
you cannot even conform –
your imaginary reality!

I quake behind my Autistic mind,
rejected here,
but accepted at the same time?

I am no brilliant Savant,
I am the ones that are forgotten,
lost
the ones who hurt all alone,
in the perplexed dark

who had no answers;
for their disabling haunts
and pains that were considered so blasé,
even still it happens to this day
hold it in
tuck it away
pretend its not there
while my mind explodes
into anxiety

judgment
ridicule
waiting for acceptance
in this world
from my own and
those who don’t know
a World of life, love, and Belong 

the complexities that live within me
Autism, Abuse, Tragedy
yet, I am HOPE
mixed with Pain
a journey that’s walked a long hard way

I am tears,
and laughs
and fears
my eyes feel all your words,
they soak through;
to the tips of my hairs!
ethereally they fuse
I write them into prose
you’ve been my Muse

gathering my aches blended with Yours
as a parent and Autistic being,
I share your joys, pains, and dreams
we are the same,
yet see so differently
I breathe your air –
I am changed

for better or worse
we share –
as loud
or softly as each needs to be
I am the Hidden,
unknown
unseen
the hidden disability
when you happen to gaze upon me
do not infer,
your intentions –
we do not see;
the same reality/tragedy/black-and-white conformity
I learned from you,
can you learn from[for] Me?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I wanted to give a little insight to this poem. It is mixture of about a 7-year process. It started when my son showed distinctive signs that he was Autistic. It led to the discovery that I am an Autistic adult. I am diagnosed with Aspergers. There are so many confusing and unproductive conversations about whether “Aspergers is Autism.” It is. It is called Autism Spectrum Disorder. My son is diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder because he was non-verbal until he was four years-old, technically longer by definition of being “verbal.” He also, has other development delays that are part of the Autism criteria.

In my journey, I had to work through many issues of going throughout my life being undiagnosed until last year. It made for an incredibly painful and confusing life. It made for a very isolating and lonely life. It made for a world of anxiety, rejection, and constant battle of trying to fit in, but never understanding why I-just-could-not. It caused me to learn how to “hide” much of who I really was, I still have to in certain situations and with certain people.

The poem reflects many encounters that I have witnessed in the extremely diverse community in which I belong. Not all of the words are influenced by my life; many are, but not all. I have felt an urge to dig even deeper into my soul, work through emotions, and write poems I have been too fearful to write out. However, I do feel that many others can relate to some of the emotions I express.

This poem is meant to feel flowy and choppy at the same time. It is breaking rules of mixing past and present on purpose. I do that a lot because I like to defy grammar! We have a love-hate relationship. 🙂

I do not usually blend my worlds, but today I am. My Autism journey is unique, just like anyone else who has encountered Autism in their own life. We all have shared similarities and major differences at the same time. I write about my journey here Mind Retrofit. I do not only write about Autism, I share about abuse, being bullied, and many other factors that have affected my life.

I share many resources on my blog if you are interested in learning more about Autism. I link to many other blogs that share resources and their journey as well. I understand that not everyone feels the way that I do about Autism, we may not agree, but I respect each individual’s journey. I think we can continually learn and grow from our differences.