Inadequate

Annette Schmucker 1957 - German Abstract painter - Tutt'Art@ (4)

Inadequate 

tears rage on my scalding face –

lack of authenticity;

Me

A

shadow of nothing;

everything in between, blatant mendacity – Me

~~~~~~~~~

Yesterday, after pondering over some of the comments it occurred to me that sometimes people want to know what is going on behind the thoughts of creativity. I also, realized how much I feel that it is a treasure when others share their inspiration or thoughts behind their creations in whatever means.

I tend to keep quiet on this blog and only share my poems because I have several other blogs where I share my many, MANY thoughts that never stop! 🙂

It is a rarity that I can articulate the emotions that led to my words flowing out the moment that I am writing them. Today happens to be one of those rare days that I can share with you some of my inspirations.

I have a lifetime of feeling inadequate; there are many reasons for that. They range from being a “surprise pregnancy” for my teenage unwed parents, to years of abuse in various forms. It spawns especially, in my writings. I had years of people not understanding my words and expressions and because of that they told me that my words were stupid. They dismissed them. They degraded my talents and gifts – the only thing that came naturally and easily for me – writing and poetry were unworthy.

Those emotions rise every time I share my words. I have managed to overcome my panic attacks and fears by pushing that “publish” button for the last four years on my main blog. I have managed to overcome many of these feelings by doing the same on this blog and my short story blog.

Still there are some days, like today when I feel that my words have become stale. They seem to lack the true expression that I am trying to pour out. As I read several other blogs today filled with such exquisite prose and lavishly beautiful poetry, I felt lacking. The feeling of inadequacy lies to me and tells me that I am not a true writer or poet – I am a fraud!

I do not compare my writing with others; it is not that at all, it is admiration and the longing to achieve such great writings that I read through so many talented others. It pushes me to find that inner voice and rawness that I have not allowed to come out. I am fairly transparent, even my fictional characters seem to live and breathe some sort of reality, though many times I do not realize that I am being so exposed.

The words fly out of me before my emotions connect to them on most days. 🙂

I suppose what this poem truly means to me is that I still have so many layers of unearthed self, hiding away that could be peeled away manifesting into creative vulnerability. I want to tap into that, but I find myself stopping at times, which makes me feel as though I am not being true to myself.

I feel like clawing off my skin, running around naked, revealing my bloodstained knees, my boiling over wounded heart, and retching words from within my marrow to expose what truly hides beneath this outer shell. The shell that has carried too many lesions covered in band-aides instead of allowing them to fester over and heal.

I stand in the mirror looking at a facade because I have never been allowed to get to know myself in an intimate way. All of the lies that have been poured over me claiming that I am inadequate have blurred my eyes and tainted my heart.

I am not sure if this makes sense to others. I truly hope it does. I feel rather exposed and fragile, but I believe that is the point. In order to move forward this must happen. In order for me to crack open creativity I must find the hidden parts of myself – it is a lifetime commitment. It is a lifetime of digging deep into the parts. The things that seem to keep silent in the dark, they lie waiting to walk into the light.

I do not know what this means, I only know that I am not the same woman I was yesterday.

About mindretrofit8

Sharing the twistings, and musings that twirl in my mind. Hoping others can relate, or at least enjoy... To know more about me personally you can visit my website at Mind Retrofit.
This entry was posted in Random Musings and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

24 Responses to Inadequate

  1. feejohnson says:

    You are definitely a writer! I don’t see anything fraudulent here. It is hard to put yourself out there and we are our toughest critic. Keep doing what you do. I enjoyed reading this. It’s real and raw. Good stuff!

  2. You have such courage, and incredible talent…keep writing!! xo

  3. bert0001 says:

    … we all build on the history of those before us. History starts one second ago.

    What you create is Original and Authentic! I don’t see any ring of websites like yours touching all these subjects and going as deep as you do. I also sometimes feel this cross of not living up to expectations. Our upbringing is to blame for that.

    Comments sometimes kill. You have a right not to answer, or to delete, … There are Trolls out here who are on the search to only hurt people. I report them as spammers.

    Love and Light

    • Thank you Bert! I really appreciate your comment.

      It’s that mix of not living up to expectations and being told what and who I was through the perceptions of others. I believe that may be universal.(?) Thankfully, I have positive comments throughout my blogging life that I could read and help counter any negative from past or present. Some days the past is overwhelming though. I think this was all triggered from the mounds of old photos my mom found yesterday and shared with me. I enjoyed them but then, was a mess of emotions and the feelings of inadequacy took over.

      The good news I was able to write this out and process it. In the past, I would get stuck and become overwhelmed with phantom fears and anxieties. It feels liberating. (Now, not so much earlier. :-))

  4. prewitt1970 says:

    Sometimes its all I can do, to type as fast as I can e words spill forth like raiin from my brain lol.
    today has been a day like that. I hope your well.
    Benjamin

  5. Angel, never doubt your talent nor your honest emotions when you are writing. The simple act OF writing is pure, concentrated emotion.Challenge those that say your words are ‘stupid’, not by asking them to write something better, but DEMAND they write something … more powerful! And…hopefully to make you smile, I too have doubts with every single post of mine! The very SECOND after I post something, I have to log out of WP INSTANTLY, and usually head outside for about an hour, fearing WP will instantly kick me out for being too …weird! BANNED FOR LIFE FOR USING WORDS WRONG … or YOU ARE BEING TOO SHY or …..something like that! LOL!
    Greg

    • Thank you Greg! Your comment means a lot! I do the same thing when I publish. I have to leave and come back later to reread it to see if I have typos! I normally, leave my desk or start reading blogs on my reader to help get my mind off of it. 🙂 Oh, goodness too weird? Your writings are fantastical!

  6. Kira says:

    Reblogged this on poemtherapy and commented:
    Not only is this poem powerful, but the words that follow are truly vulnerable, transparent, and raw…Authentic. I have felt those same feelings of inadequacy…just never been brave enough to share my feelings. Letting what hides dark become vocal in the light!

    • Thank you so much Kira! ” Letting what hides dark become vocal in the light!” I love that! 🙂

      • Kira says:

        Thank you. This post of yours really struck a chord in my heart!

      • Thank for you for letting me know that! It makes it worth while to share those thoughts when I know that others can relate and understand what I am talking about. 🙂

      • Kira says:

        I know exactly what you mean. Some days I feel like I’m the only one struggling with something and then I will post a poem about it. People’s responses always amaze me!

      • I agree, Kira!I have found so many who have the same struggles or “feel” what I am saying and that always helps to feel more connected in the world. 🙂

  7. WyndyDee says:

    I thought it was quite powerful myself! I can so relate, just insert “editor”

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s